All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
