i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
