What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
