I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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