The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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