flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
