you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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