My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
