my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
