Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
