I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
