she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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