M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
