Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
