I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
