i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
