Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
