i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
