At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
