The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I just shit out all my problems.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
