I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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