Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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