We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
