I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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