Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
