I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
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I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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