The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
