Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
