Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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