I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
