Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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