guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
where does the pee come out of this thing
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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