I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
