Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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