I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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