He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
