When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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