Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
