you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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