this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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