My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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