I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
