just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize