he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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