I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
