Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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