she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
