I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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