Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
