puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
