im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
