Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
zippers are such a cool invention
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
