Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
