Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
