She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
