it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
